The Marriage Ref: The Great Divide

"Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage." -Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

In my post last week, I strove to prove that it is worthwhile to talk about marriage, and that marriage is tied very closely to religion.  We discussed how its intrinsic value lay in its ties both to physicality and spirituality, and also concluded that while the government may be justified in creating a definition of "legal" marriage, it can never really define what marriage is in the first place.

This week, we are back to discussing the tricky yet important matter of marriage, and particularly the idea of marriage as it pertains to modern Western culture.  The overall picture I want us to end up with is a very clear image of what marriage should look like, through the eyes of the Person who created it; that is to say, God.

There are many different regions to be explored in the wilderness of marriage, but today I only want to focus on one.  That is the murky, dank territory of divorce.

Once More Unto the Breach

The most difficult aspect of this discussion is the fact that divorce is so prevalent in modern society.  We've all heard the statistics: something like half (or more, depending on the source) of the marriages in the United States have ended in divorce.  This is not necessarily surprising.  If you were part of our discussion last week, you know that I readily admit that marriage really has no real meaning for atheists or people without religious affiliation.

The real shocker is that Christian marriages do not seem to fare noticeably better than their non-Christian counterparts.  This is a real problem.  As Christians, our best advertisement to the world is our love- in fact, that is how we are supposed to be set apart from the rest of the world (John 13:35).  I cannot think of  an institution which more aptly represents love than marriage.  If Christian marriages are failing, how are we supposed to convince other people that marriage is worth saving?  Furthermore, how are we supposed to convince other people of anything that has to do with our faith?

Sadly, many modern people of faith have decided to not take marriage seriously, and as a result, many of their loved ones have gotten hurt.  I should not have to try and convince Christians that their marriage is worth losing all their material possessions for.  I should not have to spend paragraphs explaining to Christian men and women that divorce is wrong and what's more- it's evil.  But I do have to do these things, because we as Christians are failing at marriage.  So I will attempt here to explain, with the help of the Bible, that divorce should be essentially nonexistent in the Church.

Let Me Spell It Out for You

God does not mince words when discussing divorce in His Word.  In fact, passages on divorce are some of the more frighteningly unambiguous sections in all of Scripture.  Let's start with Malachi:

"Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears.  You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, 'Why?'  It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

"Has not the Lord made them one?  In flesh and spirit they are his.  And why one?  Because he was seeking godly offspring.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

"'I hate divorce,' says the Lord God of Israel, 'and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,' says the Lord Almighty.

"So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." -Malachi 2:13-16 (NIV 1984)

Now, I know that God is talking to a nation of people here, and not one person in particular, but the idea still holds true.  And it could not be put any more plainly: "I hate divorce...."  Just reading this passage sends chills down my spine.  This is a very powerful message.

But perhaps that doesn't do it for you.  Not to worry, there are plenty of other passages to cite as well.  How about some laws in Deuteronomy?  If a man tried to slander his wife in order to divorce her and it was found out that he was lying, he was not allowed to separate from her- for the rest of his life. (Deut. 22:13-19)  Also, there is no room for adultery among the people of God. (v. 22-24)  Only in cases where there is proof of indecency on the part of the wife was her husband entitled to divorce her, and once that happened there were even more rules about remarriage. (24:1-4)  In Levitical law, the priests were not allowed to marry divorcées, "because priests are holy to their God." (Leviticus 21:7)  It seems that God is making divorce out to be a pretty big deal.

But these laws do not even come close to what Jesus Himself has to say about divorce.  Right at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus has the audacity to make the following declaration.  "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'  But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." (Matt. 5:31-32)  Did you catch that?  Jesus places divorce, even the legal, seemingly innocuous version, on par with adultery, which even today is still viewed with disdain.  This is a big deal.  Essentially, Jesus is here making divorce its own kind of sexual immorality, a category which includes not a few other transgressions which we tend to think of as being more sinister.

The Hierarchy of Contract

I believe perhaps the most troublesome ailment contributing to the symptom of divorce is the general misunderstanding of contracts in our modern society.  I believe we all know intrinsically that not every agreement we make is of the same importance.  Reneging on a pinky-swear made in middle school is not likely to be punished to the same degree as divulging government secrets entrusted to you by the Pentagon.  There is an implied stratification of severity when it comes to different kinds of promises, although going back on your word may cause people to get hurt no matter the strength of the compact.  (For more on what I have to say about contracts check out my previous post here.)

The problem with contemporary society is that we have forgotten the amount of gravitas involved in the contract of marriage.  Marriage is not some sort of inebriated half-promise to be made in the throes of emotional attraction.  It is not a handshake with the other hand crossing fingers behind your back.  It is not an agreement between two corporate entities pledging to support each other as long as the partnership is beneficial.  Marriage is not strategic move to get the best of another person or avoid the cosmic penalty box reserved for adulterers (remember Matthew 5 above).  It isn't even an earnest arrangement between two parties with good intentions.  It is a covenant intertwining two lives for as long as they both last, a contact between two people who love and know each other so well that they long to get to love and know each other better for the rest of their lives.  Marriage is not "till I get bored," "till you quit pleasing me," "till my hormones die down," or "till we don't see eye-to-eye anymore."  It is "till death do us part!"

I pray that the words I have utilized to convince you that divorce is evil have not been spent in vain.  We Christians should be champions for marriage, because it is nothing to trifle with.  A covenant is one of the most fully binding and steadfast agreements imaginable, and the consequences of one being broken are always severe.  I believe too many people today view marriage as just a promise.  What's more, dating relationships have become all but marriages from the start, with boyfriends and girlfriends becoming increasingly possessive of each other.  Even in Christian relationships, there is a burgeoning disregard for the "archaic" practice of courtship, and a corollary increase in the amount of dating Christians who are crossing all sorts of lines.  Compared to the intensity of these dating relationships, marriage does not seem so prominent- it's just the "next step."  The problem is that, in fact, marriage is THE next step, and in all actuality it is the final step.

Luckily, our cultural heritage has left us with a nice in-between step wherein we can still leave the relationship without breaking the covenant.  It is called engagement, and nowadays it seems like little more than a waiting period which allows the couple to plan their big day.  But it is also their chance to really consider if they are willing to spend the rest of their lives together.  Dating is certainly not a covenant, and neither is engagement, and that is good news.  There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship in the engagement stage- it exists to give you that chance.  I feel like too many people feel like they have to stay in their relationship once they are  engaged (or even dating), since they have made a pledge to the other person.  And they have made a pledge.  But that pledge is worth annulling if it means avoiding a divorce down the road.  Divorce is by far the worse repudiation.

Grow Up

When Jesus told His disciples that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children (Mark 10:14), there were many lessons that they could learn.  But one of the traits of children Jesus was not referring to is their selfishness.

We live in a society inundated by the idea that the self is the highest authority.  If something pleases me, it must be good for me, so I should consume it.  Inversely, if something displeases me, I should avoid it at all cost.  And many of us have been hoodwinked by the allure of this idea.  But in reality, these are nothing more than the musings of a self-obsessed child.  The world does not hesitate to remind me that I am not at its center, and I must find some way of coping with this revelation.

Unfortunately, too many people have chosen to cope by ignoring reality altogether.  And it shows in their broken marriages.  Far too many marriages have come about simply due to physical attraction (the most fleeting of attractions), and far too many have ended due to lack of the same.  Today's spouse often thinks more about how to get his partner to serve him than how he can serve his partner.  It is an attitude misalignment of tremendous proportions.

Our marriages will never be fixed until we begin to ask "How far can I go for my spouse?" instead of "How far can I push my spouse?"  Marriage is an investment in another person, and to get a return on the investment, there must be something invested.  In this case, I would suggest investing love.

If you are married, please take time to recognize just how important (and wonderful) your relationship to your partner is.  If you are divorced, please know that Grace abounds and that I am certainly not condemning or maligning you in any way.  But this is a topic that we Americans are far too nonchalant about, and it requires some indelicate discourse.  And if you are single (like me) or dating, take time to consider just how you want your married life to be, and treat those around you (especially those of the opposite sex) accordingly.  In all things, uphold the institution of marriage, and do everything you can to reflect the Love of God to those around you.  I challenge you all to read 1 Corinthians 12:31b-13:13 some time this week, and I will do my best to bring another weighty marriage topic to bear next week.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." -Hebrews 13:4

EDIT (9/30/12):

It has come to my attention that certain of my ideas in this post can be misconstrued somewhat, so I wish to write for a minute on a few points.  Firstly, I am not saying that divorce should be avoided in every single situation (see comments below).  There are very legitimate reasons for leaving an abusive or otherwise unhealthy marriage (as Jesus alludes to in the passage from Matthew 5).  Also, I am not saying that there is no Hope for people who have been divorced.  I know as much as anyone that Grace is available for all sinners.  As a Christian, I am called to "love the sinner and hate the sin."  The post this week was much more about hating the sin than loving the sinner.  My main wish in writing this post was to attempt to counteract the unconcerned attitude many modern Western Christians have toward the subject.  My heart aches for people who have been affected by divorce, both out of love for the people and hate for divorce.  But I do not for an instant harbor any resentment toward the people themselves.  I sincerely hope my combative attitude above has not unduly offended anyone.