The Marriage Ref: Foundation

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage..." -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I have been holding off on this topic for quite some time, because the things I have to say go against much modern conventional "wisdom," and I am certain to step on a few toes if I convey my thoughts well.  That being said, I have felt very convicted this week to begin a series on the subject of marriage, and specifically marriage in the modern Western world.

Therefore, I am embarking into this volatile landscape harboring only the hope that the words I say will be a proper representation of the Truth which comes from God.  In my life, I am surrounded by marriages which are failing or have failed, and it seems to me that in general the marriage which lasts longer than a decade is the exception to the rule.  This simply should not be.  Broken marriages grieve me more than just about anything else in the world, and I have a not insignificant amount of frustration with the modern view of marriage, both outside of the church and in it.

First, however, let me make a very marked disclaimer.  I am not married, nor have I ever been married, so for me to talk about marriage at all may seem to some to be at once pretentious and somewhat crass.  I, however, would disagree with them wholeheartedly.  It is my experience that the people who are most jaded about marriage are those who are or have been married.  That is not to say that all married couples are sullen and cynical.  But I believe there is a tendency for married people to lose sight of just how significant their relationship is in the first place.  Familiarity, while not necessarily breeding contempt, at the very least often brings disillusionment.  And thus I believe perhaps my perspective on the subject is worth presenting.  You should not discount my thoughts simply because of my youth.

"I am young in years,/ and you are old;/ that is why I was fearful,/ not daring to tell you what I know./  I thought, ‘Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.’/  But it is the Spirit in a person,/ the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding./  It is not only the old who are wise,/ not only the aged who understand what is right." -Job 32:6b-9

How Important is Marriage?

So, with the boldness of a pioneer, we begin our venture into the wilderness that is the defense of marriage.  Like any journey, we must begin with a purpose.  We must have a reason for setting out, or else why risk the dangers of the wild?  So I will bring you up to speed on my thoughts thus far.

Why defend marriage in the first place?  At first glance, it seems to be nothing more than a funny little convention created by cultures over the years.  But I believe there are two aspects of marriage which even now should indicate to us its importance.

First, I believe that marriage is the second most important natural relationship in a person's life.  Of course, the most important relationship is that of the nuclear family.  There is a physical, very real connection between a human and the human who gave birth to him or her, and this connection even branches out to other humans related by this process of birth.  This is a fairly self-explanatory idea, so I will not expound on it further.  Marriage, like the nuclear family unit, represents a connection made by a physical and physiological process- in this case sex.  Many psychological studies have been done into the connections the brain makes during sex, and from what I understand, they are very strong.  Indeed, based on the behaviors I have encountered, they might be stronger even than the filial connection mentioned before.  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24, NKJV)  We cannot escape the pull of marriage; it is built into our DNA.

Secondly, I believe that marriage is the second most important spiritual relationship in a person's life.  Again, it is obviously overshadowed by that person's relationship to God.  But if you believe in a higher power at all, it is all but corollary that your faith has something to say about the institution of marriage.  If you have been married in the United States, perhaps you were married in a church, buy a priest, using some version of the Roman Catholic marriage vows.  This alone should tell you that marriage has a lot to do with religion.  Other cultures have variations on this formula, but they are almost always tied in some way to the local religion.  This is because we understand that marriage is a covenant, which is not just a contract between two people, but a contract between two people made before God.

Marriage, it would seem, is important.

Moral Compass

Before we make the first step on our journey, we must make all necessary preparations.  And in our case, that includes bringing along a compass.  And indeed we have such a guide for directing our paths on this voyage.  Sadly, however, many people have chosen to ignore the compass altogether and have wound up failing to defend not only the sanctity of marriage as a whole but also their individual marriages.

To avoid continuing the metaphor at the cost of semantic precision, I am going to write more plainly now.  There has been much debate recently, especially in the political realm, over the definition of marriage and the constituents thereof.  Passionate outcries resound from all sides, each person appealing to the government to characterize marriage in one fashion or another.  Much ill will exists between opposing parties, as well as a fair amount of miscommunication.  The men and women involved in these debates recognize that marriage is important, for one reason or another.  But they fail to realize a more fundamental aspect of marriage.

The institution of marriage never has been, and never will be, defined by the government.  The idea is actually somewhat comical.  It would be similar to it attempting to change the definition of "entropy," or "syllogism," or "red-orange."  Like all of these examples, marriage as an institution exists apart from the realm of government, and while there is something to be said for defining what is meant by "legally married," this phrase in itself is little more than a formality.  The government can no more assign meaning to marriage than it can ascribe the term "pasta" to the planet Saturn.  Because when Saturn becomes "pasta," then "pasta" takes on an entirely new meaning (and it probably ceases to sound as appetizing for a main course at dinner).

The same is true of marriage.  Say the government declares that men have the right to marry horses.  Very well, the legal definition of marriage has changed.  But it is no longer in any real sense marriage.  In fact, we may be pressed into adding descriptors to the original idea to preserve its meaning (traditional marriage), or perhaps a new term would need to be coined to replace the former concept of marriage.  The government can pass as many laws as it wants telling me the grass is purple, but this will not make it look any more like a violet.  Therefore, while I do care somewhat about how our policy makers choose to define matrimony, their decision will have little effect on what I say about marriage or what marriage actually is.

I hope I have adequately proven that marriage is not defined by government.  The question remains, then: By whom is it defined?  Again, the answer is rather simple.  The institution of marriage was created by, and to this day is still defined by, God Himself.  Just read Genesis 2 if you want proof of this.  I will forgo quoting this passage at present, because I am sure that I will reference it quite a lot in the next few weeks.  For people who have faith in another deity besides the Christian God, perhaps your concept of marriage comes from your religion as well.  And for the scope of this discussion, that is fine.  But it baffles me to think that atheists would even care the slightest bit about holy matrimony.  If you take away the sacred nature of this covenant, it becomes little more than a pinky-swear.

And perhaps this is why so many marriages today are failing.  It is because we fail to realize that marriage in itself is a monument erected and maintained by the Creator of the universe.  We buy into the lie that a vow this weighty is actually nothing more than a contract letting us sleep with another individual with some sense of moral impunity.  We have succeeded in undermining one of the institutions God established even before the fall of man.  And as a society we are paying for it dearly.

I have sermonized long enough for this week.  Please know that my intentions in all of this are solely based out of love for the institution of marriage and my concern for my fellow man.  I only wish to see things set aright, and I hope that you share my passion. I leave you this week with one sentence from Hebrews.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." -Hebrews 13:4